Grant Proposal

Telemetric study of proposed new species Agkistrodon piscifabula

Problem Statement

A large body of anecdotal evidence exists to suggest a new potential subspecies of Agkistrodon piscivorus in Central and Southern Florida. Distinct size and behavioral characteristics set this group apart from all other snakes in its genus, and indeed from all other known reptiles. This subspecies is tentatively dubbed Agkistrodon piscifabula.

This species apparently grows to 18' in length, with specimens sighted rarely being reported under 6'. Its primary diet is Homo sapiens, and it aggressively pursues its prey. It is equipped with specially hardened radial fangs that permit it to puncture car tires, thus crippling its prey long enough for it to use the highly specialized lock picking mechanism on its tail to get to the desired prey items inside the automobile.

In addition to the historically described "hoop rolling" behavior where an individual snake will place its tail in its mouth and rapidly circumlocute to pursue its prey, this subspecies engages in a hitherto undescribed form of cooperative hoop rolling involving up to thirty or more individuals. Four individuals initiate the typical hoop behavior, at which point four more join to form the interconnective axles. The remainder of the snakes in the group climb aboard in a configuration that mimics the mode of transportation of their primary prey item. This unique form of quadrilinear circumvolution has only been described in this species, and can reportedly result in highway speeds that match or exceed those of John Deere tractors.

Behaviorally, this species has an extreme affinity for fishermen who have consumed a great deal of fermented grain liquid. This may be the first known reptile species to be discriminating about its observers. It has a significant avoidance reflex for herpetologists, and indeed for anyone who has not consumed a great deal of fermented grain product. Thus this species has never been properly documented by science, and a real need exists to fund this project.

Program Goals and Objectives

The goal of this project is a telemetric study of Agkistrodon piscifabula to document its habits, physical characteristics, ecology and diet.

Methodology

Approximately 82% of the reported anecdotal sightings of A. piscifabula involve large quantities of fermented malt beverage. An additional 29% involve fishing and/or boating. Therefore, the primary methodology of the study will involve fishing from a boat and from shore while consuming very large quantities of fermented malt beverage.

Once suitable specimens of A. piscifabula are located and captured, they will be humanely anesthetized in a cost-effective manner with the fermented grain liquid. Anecdotal reports suggest that they naturally consume some quantity of this product as a secondary consequence of ingesting prey items. Individuals will be marked by clipping caudal scales, and implanted with telemetric devices.

Evaluation

For every five (5) cases of fermented grain beverage utilized in this project, a report will be produced describing progress to date. Project team members will compose their reports after returning from their duty shifts of fishing and consuming the grain product in the field.

Qualifications of the organization

All Florida herpetologists are eminently qualified to fish from a boat and consume fermented grain liquid. We anticipate no problems whatsoever in this department.

Budget

The budget for this project is fairly manageable, as can be seen below. For less than $5,000, we can fund this project for the benefit of all herpetologists, and especially to the benefit of those who will be doing the fieldwork.

$1,519 Fishing boat for use in the project (recoverable asset)
$2,349 8 telemetry units and tracker
$1,000 3 months supply of fermented grain beverage
$ 100 Fishing poles

Total: $4,968

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